Aries

Once Bitten, Twice Shy

“[He] got arrested while I was in his car in a Wendy’s parking lot. He had a warrant out for his arrest for biting someone’s finger off. I got driven home in a cop car.”

Taurus

Silent, But Deadly

“My Taurus ex would barely talk to me when we first broke up. They’ll check in once every two years to send me a birthday message on Facebook—that’s it. I still wonder why we aren’t talking and broke up.”

Gemini

Exorcism on an Ex

“I’m convinced he either has an entity attached to him or he’s a whole demon. After breaking up, he'd still try doing black magic on me. The amount of reversals I've had to do, and undig myself out of graves is…another story.”

Cancer

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

“Lying, cheating, parasitic lifestyle, lives off women, expects women to do everything for him, preys on women via Instagram. Worst still, he somehow continually gets away with it, styling himself as Mr. Woke Feminist, queer and poc ally, when he couldn't be further from that.”

Leo

Narcissistic Nightmare

“We broke up because he got upset that I was shooting down ideas of his that he had for MY life. He said he didn’t want to waste energy he was using to encourage me, when he could be using it on himself! I told him that was all I needed to hear.”

Virgo

Shady AF

“He’s nice enough to drive me home but BEFORE HE DOES—HE SAYS “I’m in love with you; but how do you feel about physical fitness?” I didn’t get to answer my question [because] 1. He just called me fat...? 2. He started going on and on about how he thinks that fitness is SUPER important to him and that we don’t match up.”

Libra

Don’t Hate the Player, Hate the Game

“I dated a Libra for years. When things got tough for them, they started to get distant and even began looking for a job in another country. They even created an online dating profile. Mind be, the whole time they were telling me how much in love they were with me.”

Scorpio

He was Possessed by Another

“He was a Scorpio and bragged about it. He also spoke very highly of a weird-sounding work acquaintance advising him on everything, they gave him homework of reading self-improvement books, made him start taking piano lessons…”

Sagittarius

Too Little, Too Late

“She wouldn’t commit to me and gaslighted me when I would want to talk about where the relationship was headed...typical Sag stuff. When I moved on, she zombied me. Now she tells me she loves me and I’m the one who got away. She had her opportunity to be with me…”

Capricorn

Jeepers Creepers

“I met him online and we instantly bonded. I wasn’t feeling it on our first date, but I kept the conversation between us going. They began to show up at my work and bars I hung out at to talk to me face to face...they even showed up at a family gathering at my parents' house.”

Aquarius

Jason Bateman Vibes

“They were more interested in playing video games than being intimate with me. I had to compete with Grand Theft Auto! When we would go out, they insisted on splitting the bill—and made me leave the tip! Not to mention that their home smelled like Clorox and was startlingly clean—like American Psycho.”

Pisces

He Played Us

“I met him on Tumblr and over the course of two years he would treat me like I was subordinate to him while having no place to live. He would sext with at least one girl telling her that she was “his soulmate whom he knew from another life” and eventually graduated to screwing someone I considered a friend at the time. He fed her some twin flame/ soulmate bullshit too—now she’s single with one of his kids just like me.”